As she opened her eyes and looked across the empty bed, Colleen was filled with a warm sense of well being, knowing that this birthday morn she was alone...he was not there...he had gone away...for good...she was free of him, of his base obsessions and miserely, ungenerous habits...and she had managed to find her freedom without guilt... guiltless freedom...what a concept.
Her thoughts returned to that morning one year ago. For the first time, the night before, she had made him dinner, a secret gift on her birthday‘s eve. It was with a certain delicious forbodding that she had done this, for it had been years since she’d cooked for a man, domesticity having fled her life along with all other accoutrements of married bliss. She had successfully cut men out of her heart for a decade and had been rewarded with feelings of confidence, strength and optimism, the likes of which she had never experienced in her 18 years of marriage.
But the previous night she had wanted to cook for him because he had asked her to...and she wanted what he wanted...she hadn’t even noticed that she was falling...falling into that shameless, hopeless quagmire of trying to be... what?.. what ever he wanted her to be.
"Gawd.." thought she..."What a fool....what a pathetic fool."
To have him in her bed as her birthday dawned seemed like sheer delinquent delight to her misguided psyche. He tended to drift off after an evening...perhaps he’d have disappeared for a week or more (no she didn’t see the writing on the wall, dispite pleas from friends to wake up, she was already drowning in denial and self-delusion). The one thing she wanted was to not be alone on her birthday, she wanted him there when she woke up...and there when she went to sleep....just one day....what a treat that would be...
"Boy, s'funny how things change." she muttered to herself, as she noticed the special oversized pillow she had bought for him discarded on the floor....no use to her...hmm..yah..funny.
Things changed that morning. Her cell rang at 8am, she was wanted at work, someone had cancelled and they were desperate, apologetic but desperate. As she walked into the next room she explained in a hushed voice that, as it was her birthday and a Saturday, she couldn’t help them. She closed off with a satisfied giggle and hopped back into bed.
"So when were you going to tell me it was your birthday?" he laughed.
"I didn’t want you to feel you had to buy me a present. I’m just glad you’re here." she aligned her body with his, pressing up to it...savouring it's heat.
"Had you told me, we could have gone out for a nice dinner tonight, instead of just a film." he averted his eyes as he mouthed these words, they both knew it was still only 8am.
"Oh that’s okay, a film's great..." she murmured, as demure and chaste as a 10 cent holy card. And then, for one brief moment, the scales fell from her eyes as she watched his face gleam with satisfaction, mentally calculating the amount of money he wouldn’t have to spend. A knife pierced her heart but she ignored it. "Just like the old days," whispered her soul, but not loudly enough to hear.
He left mid-morning saying he’d come back around 6 and they’d walk to the cinema. And she...she spent a wonderful day dreaming about the potential of the coming evening.... dinner... dancing... flowers....a long walk...who knew what surprises lay ahead...he was still a novelty in her life, she was still full of hope for the future.
Do I need to tell you what actually happened? Of course not....
She just wanted to believe and he...he knew it...
